“How Do I Not Become My Mother?” Learning to Mother Yourself While Mothering
By Olga Konyakova, LCSW, CADC
Therapist for Women with Complex Trauma | EMDR & Parts Work | Psychodynamic Approach
As a therapist working with mothers who carry complex trauma, I hear a version of this question often:
“How do I not become my mother?”
It usually shows up in moments of overwhelm… after yelling at your child when you promised yourself you never would… when you notice how hard it is to stay calm, present, and regulated… or when you're bending over backward to be everything for your kids because you never had that growing up.
The truth is: becoming a parent often activates the very wounds you thought were buried, especially if you never had the kind of nurturing, attuned caregiving you needed as a child.
Why the Past Comes Up When You Become a Parent
Parenthood has a way of resurfacing old pain. Not because you’re failing, but because your nervous system remembers what it didn’t receive.
When your child turns three, and you had trauma at that age… your body remembers.
When your baby cries and no one came for you as an infant… your body remembers.
When your toddler melts down and your instinct is to yell, even though you swore you wouldn’t… your body remembers.
And then comes the shame.
“I’m turning into my mother.”
“I swore I’d never be like this.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
Nothing is wrong with you.
But something in you is asking for your attention.
The Trap of Focusing on What Not to Do
Most mothers I work with are trying very hard not to repeat the past.
“I don’t want to yell.”
“I don’t want to be cold or distant.”
“I don’t want to ignore my child’s emotions like my parents ignored mine.”
But focusing only on what not to do doesn’t give you a model for what to do.
It’s like trying to drive while staring in the rearview mirror.
You’re trying to offer your child something you may have never received yourself: attunement, safety, tenderness, presence.
And without having internalized that experience, your nervous system often defaults to the only template it knows.
Becoming Your Own Mother
Breaking generational patterns doesn’t start with perfection, it starts with relationship.
You begin by turning toward yourself.
This is what reparenting is: offering the younger parts of you - especially the ones that show up in triggered moments - what they didn’t receive then, from you now.
Understanding This Through Parts Work (Internal Family Systems)
In parts work, we understand that we’re made up of different internal “parts” - some that protect, some that react, and some that carry earlier emotional pain.
When you yell and then feel immediate shame, there may be:
a protective part reacting from overwhelm
another part holding criticism or shame
and beneath that, a younger part that never received comfort, regulation, or safety
Rather than fighting these responses, the work becomes learning to relate to them differently.
From a place of curiosity, you might begin to ask:
What is this part trying to do for me?
What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t react this way?
What does it need right now?
As you begin to respond to yourself with more compassion and understanding, something shifts.
You’re no longer reacting automatically, and over time, that changes how you show up with your child.
How EMDR Helps You Heal the Root of These Reactions
Many of these responses aren’t just patterns, they’re rooted in unprocessed experiences stored in the nervous system.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps access and process those experiences so they no longer feel as immediate or overwhelming.
For example:
When your child’s tantrum sends your body into panic, it may not just be about the present moment. It may be connected to earlier experiences of not being soothed, supported, or seen.
Through EMDR, those memories can be processed in a way that allows your nervous system to update.
Over time, this can lead to:
less reactivity in triggering moments
greater capacity to stay present
more flexibility in how you respond
Working with an EMDR therapist in Chicago can help you move beyond understanding these patterns and begin shifting them at a deeper level.
Healing While Parenting: It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect
You don’t have to become an always-regulated, endlessly patient parent.
That’s not realistic and it’s not the goal.
What matters is that you begin to:
notice when old patterns show up
respond to yourself with compassion instead of shame
pause, even briefly, before reacting
make space for your own emotions, not just your child’s
Repair matters more than perfection.
And each time you respond differently, even slightly, you are creating something new.
When Unmet Needs Get Projected Onto Your Children
One of the more subtle ways complex trauma shows up is in how unmet needs can get redirected.
You might notice:
wanting your child to always want closeness
feeling hurt when they pull away
expecting your partner to soothe you in ways you never experienced
giving constantly, while feeling resentment underneath
This isn’t wrong, it’s human.
But part of healing is learning to turn toward yourself, rather than expecting others to fill those early gaps.
Start Small: Becoming the Parent You Needed
If you want to not become your mother, the work isn’t just about avoiding certain behaviors.
It’s about building something new.
Ask yourself:
Who did I need when I was little?
And begin there.
If you needed someone to listen, practice listening to yourself
If you needed calm, practice staying with your own emotions
If you needed reassurance, offer that to yourself
You can’t change the past, but you can change how you relate to yourself now.
And that changes everything.
You Are Breaking the Cycle (Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It)
To the mother who is healing while parenting:
You are already doing the work.
Every time you pause…
Every time you notice…
Every time you choose something different, even in a small way…
You are changing the pattern.
This work isn’t easy, but it is meaningful.
And it is possible.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’re navigating motherhood while also healing from complex trauma, support can make a meaningful difference.
As a trauma therapist in Chicago, I work with mothers and high-achieving women who are learning to reparent themselves while showing up for their families.
My approach integrates:
EMDR therapy
parts work (IFS)
relational and trauma-informed therapy
I also offer EMDR intensives, which provide extended, focused time for deeper trauma processing - something many parents and busy professionals find helpful when weekly therapy is hard to sustain.
Learn more about intensives here.
If you’re looking for trauma therapy or support in breaking generational patterns, you’re welcome to reach out to learn more or schedule a consultation.
Are you ready to respond to yourself with more compassion and break patterns that no longer serve you?
About the author
Olga Konyakova, LCSW, CADC, is an EMDR therapist in Chicago, who specializes in helping women heal from complex trauma, attachment wounds, and relational patterns such as people-pleasing and perfectionism.
Her approach integrates EMDR, parts work, and psychodynamic and attachment-based therapies to help clients process trauma and develop greater self-trust, healthier boundaries, and more fulfilling relationships. Olga works with clients throughout Chicago and across Illinois and also offers EMDR therapy intensives for deeper trauma processing.