By Olga Konyakova, LCSW, CADC
Therapist for Women with Complex Trauma | EMDR & Parts Work | Psychodynamic Approach

Sometimes it’s not obvious in the moment.

You’re in a conversation, spending time together, maybe even enjoying parts of it.

But afterward, you feel it.

A kind of heaviness. Mental fatigue. The need to be alone and reset.

You might find yourself wondering:

Why do I feel so exhausted?
Was something off, or am I overthinking it?
Why does this happen with certain people but not others?

And because nothing was overtly “wrong,” it can be hard to make sense of.

But that drained feeling isn’t random.

It’s information.

What “Feeling Drained” Can Actually Mean

Feeling drained isn’t just about being physically tired.

It can show up as:

emotional exhaustion
mental overactivity (replaying, analyzing, thinking)
physical tension or heaviness
a subtle sense of unease or depletion

Sometimes it’s immediate. Other times it shows up later when you finally have space to notice how you feel.

Either way, your system is responding to something in the interaction.

It’s Not Just About the Other Person

It’s easy to assume:

They’re too much
I’m too sensitive
Something is wrong with me

But often, it’s not that simple.

What feels draining is usually not just about the other person, it’s about the dynamic between you.

More specifically, how your nervous system is responding in that interaction

Two people can have the same conversation and walk away feeling completely different.

Your experience is shaped by your history, your patterns, and what your system has learned to pay attention to.

How Complex Trauma Can Shape These Experiences

If you grew up in environments where emotional attunement, safety, or consistency were unpredictable, your system may have learned to stay highly aware of others.

This can look like:

picking up on subtle shifts in tone or mood
monitoring how someone is feeling
adjusting your responses to keep things smooth
anticipating reactions before they happen

At one point, this level of awareness may have helped you stay connected or avoid conflict. But over time, it can become something that runs automatically.

So instead of simply being present in a conversation, part of your energy is going toward:

tracking
interpreting
adjusting

And that takes effort.

Common Dynamics That Can Feel Draining

Not all draining interactions look the same, but there are some patterns that tend to show up often.

Over-Attuning to Others

You may find yourself:

closely tracking the other person’s emotions
adjusting your tone or responses in real time
trying to keep things comfortable

Even if it’s subtle, this ongoing awareness can be exhausting.

Feeling Responsible for the Emotional Atmosphere

You might notice:

stepping in to ease tension
filling silence
making sure the other person feels okay

This can happen so automatically that you don’t realize how much energy it takes until afterward.

Lack of Mutuality

Some interactions feel draining because they’re one-sided.

You may be:

listening more than speaking
holding space without feeling held
leaving the conversation feeling unseen

Even if nothing is explicitly wrong, the imbalance can take a toll.

Subtle Boundary Crossings

Sometimes the drain comes from small moments where you override yourself:

saying yes when you mean no
staying longer than you want
not expressing what you actually need

Individually, these moments may seem minor. But over time, they add up.

Why Your Body Feels So Tired After

That drained feeling isn’t just emotional, it’s physical.

When your system is:

staying alert
processing multiple layers of interaction
regulating your own responses

…it’s using energy.

So the fatigue you feel afterward is often the result of the effort it took to stay engaged, aware, and connected

This is especially true if you weren’t fully able to relax or be yourself in the interaction.

Why This Is So Common for High-Achieving Women and Helpers

If you’re someone who:

supports others professionally
holds space as a therapist, coach, or leader
is often seen as capable and reliable

…you may be especially attuned to others by default.

You’re used to:

reading the room
anticipating needs
responding thoughtfully

These are strengths.

But outside of intentional settings, they don’t always turn off automatically.

So even in everyday interactions, you may still be operating at a level of awareness that others aren’t.

What Actually Helps You Feel Less Drained

The goal isn’t to stop caring about others or become less attuned.

It’s to create more balance so your energy isn’t constantly going outward.

Some starting points:

Noticing earlier when your energy is shifting
Giving yourself permission to take small breaks or step back
Allowing moments where you’re not actively tracking or adjusting
Practicing small, honest boundaries

You don’t have to change everything at once.

Even small shifts can make a noticeable difference over time.

How EMDR Therapy Can Help

These patterns are often rooted in earlier relational experiences, which means they don’t always shift just through awareness.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps process the experiences that shaped how your system relates to others.

As this work unfolds, many people notice:

less pressure to monitor or manage interactions
increased ability to stay present
more clarity about their own needs
a greater sense of internal steadiness

Working with an EMDR therapist in Chicago can support you in changing these patterns at a deeper level so interactions feel less draining and more balanced.

EMDR Intensives for Deeper Relational Work

If these patterns feel long-standing or hard to shift, EMDR intensives can offer a more focused way to work through them.

Intensives provide extended, uninterrupted time to explore and process relational dynamics, without the stop-and-start of weekly sessions.

This can be especially helpful if:

you want to go deeper into these patterns
you have a busy schedule
you’re ready for more focused, intentional work

EMDR intensives allow for meaningful progress while still respecting your pace.

Support for Feeling More Grounded in Your Relationships

If you often feel drained around certain people, it’s easy to question yourself.

But this isn’t about being too sensitive or doing something wrong.

It’s about how your system learned to relate to others. And those patterns can change.

As a psychotherapist in Chicago specializing in complex trauma, I work with women, therapists, and high-achieving professionals who want to feel more grounded, less depleted, and more like themselves in their relationships.

Using approaches like EMDR therapy, parts work, and relational therapy, this work supports meaningful shifts in how you experience connection.

If you’re looking for trauma therapy in Chicago or support working through these patterns, you’re welcome to reach out to learn more or schedule a consultation.

Are you ready to feel less drained and more grounded in your relationships?

Schedule a free consultation

emdr therapist chicago — About the author

Olga Konyakova, LCSW, CADC, is an EMDR therapist in Chicago, who specializes in helping women heal from complex trauma, attachment wounds, and relational patterns such as people-pleasing and perfectionism.
Her approach integrates EMDR, parts work, and psychodynamic and attachment-based therapies to help clients process trauma and develop greater self-trust, healthier boundaries, and more fulfilling relationships. Olga works with clients throughout Chicago and across Illinois and also offers EMDR therapy intensives for deeper trauma processing.